Looking For Love In An Equal The free essay sample

Looking For Love In An Equal: The Truth About Peer Marriages Essay, Research Paper Danielle L. Woods February 12, 2000 Sociology 352 Book Review Looking for Love in an Equal: A Review of Love between Equals ; The Truth About Peer Marriages For Centuries in our society matrimony between adult male and adult female has been a adept cultural right and usage. Over 90 % of Americans will get married in their life-time and approximately 50 % of those matrimonies will ensue in Divorce. Many Sociological factors contribute to the high divorce rate expressed in our civilization. Reasons that contribute to the divorce rate are longer life anticipation, adult females in the work force, birth control, societal credence of cohabitation, individual parenting and public assistance reform. It is besides now socially acceptable and legal to acquire a divorce due to dissatisfaction and sadness. This societal credence of divorce implies that today there is a altering standard when come ining matrimony. We will write a custom essay sample on Looking For Love In An Equal The or any similar topic specifically for you Do Not WasteYour Time HIRE WRITER Only 13.90 / page Couples today now insist on the component of personal fulfilment and felicity for come ining marriage, where every bit, in times past this was non one of the chief considerations for adult male and adult female to acquire married. Historically with in matrimony adult male and adult females have adopted gender functions. These gender functions that are predicated by society are traditionally seen as the adult male in the provider/ autocratic function and the adult female is seen as the caretaker of the place and kids or in the nurturer function. These gender functions exist in our society today, even though our society now considers adult male and adult female equal and gives each sex equal rights. Consequently, many twosomes still adopt traditional functions while in other matrimonies twosomes opt for non-traditional functions and handle each other as peers these are called classless relationships and are far less frequent in our society. By analyzing these classless twosomes that do non run with in the traditional bounds of gender and comparing them to traditional relationships, we, as a society can larn how the elements of traditional gender functions in matrimony have provided a ill service to adult male an d adult female and how the less common classless matrimony may break suit persons in the chase of a fulfilling and permanent matrimony. Pepper Shwartz, Ph.D, a professor at the University of Washington and writer of the book, Love Between Peers: How Peer Marriage Really Works, explores the facets of traditional and classless or peer matrimony. She examines how gender functions interfere with spouse equality, deep friendly relationship and fulfilment. She besides argues that we should extinguish the supplier and nurturer function when prosecuting a equal matrimony because these traditional functions interfere with adult male and adult female # 8217 ; s opportunity to get the better of the societal and biological differences that separate them and finally interfere with the chase of fulfilment and felicity of the matrimony. In her book, Schwartz identifies five types of matrimonial failures that come from traditional gender guidelines and undermine matrimonial familiarity. Schwartz besides identifies four rules adopted by equal twosomes that, in bend, promote familiarity. Throughout Schwartz # 8217 ; s history of research she has found the failure of empathy among traditional twosome # 8217 ; s leads to isolation, experiencing entirely and non understood. She demonstrates that this failure comes from traditional twosomes non sharing common perceptual experiences which gives them separate experiences alternatively of a shared universe. This initiates a feeling of being unknown and affects communicating while rupturing off at familiarity. Schwartz besides recognizes the failure of involvement in traditional matrimonies that occurs when spouses become excessively separate in their day-to-day lives. When the adult male is involved at work and the adult female is involved at place with the kids they end up with deficiency of conversation. They begin to inquire ceremonially how each other # 8217 ; s twenty-four hours was with out echt involvement and more out of duty. Or the twosomes stop sharing wholly approximately twenty-four hours to twenty-four hours experiences because they do non desire to burthen the other spouse and in conclusion the hubby may utilize his married woman as a # 8216 ; sounding board # 8217 ; and speak at her go forthing no room for her in the conversation. Again this consequences in the failure of shared universes, which consequences in the twosome holding small emotional exchange and holding to acquire it from friends and household. Another failure in traditional matrimonies that Schwartz points out is the deficiency of common regard. Due to gender functions the relationship between adult male and married woman in traditional matrimony is a senior and junior partnership based on hierarchy. The hubby has ultimate power to do determinations because he makes the money. Schwartz notes that power is typically the right of the breadwinner and with it breeds high quality. Traditional married womans experience patronized and this failure of regard brings bitterness. In concurrence, Schwartz has observed traditional twosomes holding a failure of pragmatism. By this, Schwartz means that the hubby and married woman idealise one another normally as the hubby being all knowing and the married woman being a saint. This idealizing or deficiency of pragmatism interferes with spouse # 8217 ; s ability to give and have support and apprehension. Finally, the traditional matrimony dehumanizes adult females. Traditional married wom ans are encouraged to put themselves in their hubby # 8217 ; s involvements and to even read books on how to delight a adult male. After clip, normally after the childs have left the house, wives report experiencing like they do non cognize who they are, they end up with out a sense of ego. This realisation that many adult females come to creates anger over non being able to be their ain individual while they view their hubbies as # 8220 ; holding it all. # 8221 ; Schwartz identifies this failure among traditional matrimonies to be a big factor lending to disassociate. Having identified failures found in traditional matrimonies Pepper Schwartz proposes that equal matrimonies may be the reply to the failures seen in traditional matrimonies because equal matrimonies operate on a different premiss. The twosomes in equal matrimonies that Schwartz interviewed happen being equal and mutualist rewarding and they work towards a common end of a brotherhood based on equality. They see peer matrimony as a manner to hold stableness and a permanent relationship. Schwartz found four common togss in the equal matrimony that seemed to salvage them from the failures of a traditional matrimony. She recognized that twosomes in equal matrimonies have developed deep friendly relationship by holding common regard for one another and understanding with tolerance. Peer twosomes have such a deep friendly relationship because they have a shared universe. They are invested in similar involvements and do their relationship a precedence over work and other external factors. These twosomes insist on holding shared experiences. Schwartz emphasizes that twosomes in equal matrimonies are besides able to negociate differences because they have a deep friendly relationship. â€Å"Friends do non draw rank over one another or veto sentiments offered, or monopolise conversations.† ( Shwartz,30 ) They are just to one another because they value each other as peers. They besides take bends in make up ones minding on what to make, giving advice, and being the strong one or the one who needs support. Due to peer matrimonies being based on equality Schwartz did non happen the jobs of hierarchy in equal matrimonies. However, she did acknowledge that there are costs associated with holding a equal matrimony. Costss associated with equal matrimonies are calling, individuality and exclusion of others. Couples in equal matrimonies typically do non hold demanding callings because they choose to set their relationship foremost. They besides need to keep separate individualities and avoid going enmeshed and need to retrieve to include household and friends in their relationship to avoid being isolated. Sing the Benefits of Peer matrimony every bit opposed to traditional matrimony Schwartz discusses why more twosomes opt for a traditional 1. She concludes that there is an attractive force to hierarchy because it is familiar. Peer matrimony is unfamiliar and doesn # 8217 ; Ts have any guidelines to follow. Peer matrimonies are frequently seen as hard to obtain because they do non hold a supplier function and a nurturer function. Couples in equal matrimonies both provide economic and emotional support to the relationship and portion power. Schwartz contends that by appreciating the similarities between adult male and adult female alternatively of concentrating on the differences that separate them we can get the better of the hurts that gender functions promote and enjoy a more fulfilling and permanent matrimony. After reading Love Between Equals I found Pepper Schwartz # 8217 ; s analyze to supply a deeper apprehension of matrimony in our society. The construct of equal matrimony challenges many sociological theories held on matrimony. It defies Gary Becker # 8217 ; s economic expert theory and recognizes that matrimony is non needfully based on efficiency of undertakings but instead on the personal fulfilment of holding an equal spouse. The book besides reaches to understand the dimensions of a fulfilling matrimony that satisfies both adult male and adult female every bit. While many twosomes find traditional matrimony fulfilling this book is dedicated to those who want more than tradition. Possibly our hereafter coevalss will be puting in equal matrimonies because as our gender functions in society become more similar the demand to hold an equal may appeal to be a greater plus to twosomes. Schwartz did an excellent of occupation of analyzing how gender functions can determine a matrimony . This is highly critical because as the chase of felicity becomes a demand in relationships it will coerce adult male and adult female to measure what they want in a spouse. Do they ever want to be the leader or the follower? Hopefully it will arouse these sorts of inquiries and force adult male and adult female likewise to measure their ain gender stereotype and do alterations that better suit who they are. In sing the course of study of Sociology 352, The Family, I would propose integrating chapters 1, 3 and 4 into the class, it would be best contrasted if coupled by Gary Becker # 8217 ; s reading or the Second Shift because it would genuinely add to the constructs of kid raising and gender functions. Second, these chapters in the book show how our past experiences and societal reforms of the yesteryear have helped determine our relationships and values of the present twenty-four hours. The privation and look of equal matrimony is non some rebellious act designed by twosomes who hate tradition. It is a consequence and a contemplation of how some of our traditions have non served our best involvements. I believe that equal matrimony is based on the foundation that couples want something more out their relationships that they couldn # 8217 ; t happen with in the bounds of tradition. I find Pepper Schwartz # 8217 ; s work and research to be radical to our altering society # 8217 ; s d emands. A rule of nature is endurance of the fittest. I find this illustration comparable to social traditions of matrimony. If some traditions, such as gender functions in matrimony, do non function a good intent so they will decease out and the elements that do supply a good intent will boom. I hope this is the instance of equal matrimony. Schwartz kept her reading interesting by comparing the differences of traditional and peer matrimony. By presenting points and back uping them through personal histories of twosomes from either type of matrimony she managed to successfully back up her contentions. Through analyzing the myriad of ways that gender functions interfere with familiarity, Pepper Schwartz has identified the costs of traditional matrimony and the wagess of equal matrimony. She has demonstrated that the supplier and nurturer functions assumed by adult male and adult female finally negate familiarity and antagonise deep friendly relationship. She shows that deep friendly relationship found through equality is indispensable for familiarity and that equal matrimony promotes committedness, shared universes, co-parenting and the jubilation of similarity. It is these qualities that peer matrimony promote that make a matrimony lasting and fulfilling for adult male and adult female.